Day Seven, the Final Day: Journal of Hikikomori

The final day: will David renounce his lifestyle? Or will his obsessions prevent him from re-entering society? Are the two mutually exclusive? Created using the pen-to-paper RPG, Hikikomori.

There is not a surface in my house which is not now covered in perfect graphs. The challenge now is to create smaller graphs to fill in the gaps, so that they will tessellate. I can almost see it in my mind’s eye- it’s beautiful…

When Lin woke up she made us some instant noodles and watched me work for a long time, in silence. We ate the noodles and then, finally, she spoke. She said that she’d never forget what I’d done for her, but she had to go back to the real world. I was confused, I didn't understand- we’d only just met and already… well, I had graphs to draw, and that’s what I did.

Later in the afternoon there was a knock at the door. The old woman, Han, was there. She came in to see me, explaining that she knew all about me and had been watching me for some time. She asked me about the graphs: I couldn't explain, I just said “I like them, I think they’re beautiful”.She spoke for a long time about how I had a bright future and there was much for me to contribute to the world. I smiled, it was nice of her to say all of that stuff, but she had no idea what my place in the universe is.When she left I thought about Lin for a while. At first it made me sad, and then I remembered how I’d enchanted her in the first place, and what Han had said. It gave me an idea.I still had some woodfilla in the cupboard under the sink. I went downstairs to my neighbours door, carefully repairing all the scratches I’d made a few days ago. It made me sad to erase the perfect graph that I’d put on his door, but I knew that he’d like it. While the filla dried I gave my own simple flat a thorough spring clean (keeping all the perfect graphs intact, of course) and hid what few belongings I had into the cupboard next to the door.Returning downstairs, I rubbed my neighbours door down with sandpaper and gave it a really nice, new gloss coat. It would be dry by the time he got home. I placed a note beneath his door, it said: “EXHIBITION, 9PM TONIGHT: DAVID’S APARTMENT, ALL WELCOME”. I made more copies and slid them under the doors of my other neighbours, including Mrs Han.I still had one secret ingredient beneath my kitchen sink: glow-in-the-dark powder paint. I rubbed the powder into every etched surface in my house, then turned on every single light I had to “charge” up the paint.When my neighbours arrived, they were wary at first, but they seemed… overwhelmed. “Just like Lunar New Year!” said one of the kids, beaming. Mrs Han smiled at me, and I felt a strange feeling inside.Once everyone left I felt something that I haven’t felt for a long time: loneliness. I felt sad that Lin had gone, but also that Mrs Han and my crazy neighbours had gone, too. I hope I might see them again tomorrow.

--MECHANICS--

DAY 7 STATS

HOPE:                            2d10

TRAITS:                         

Obsessive Hobby:           (9d10)       42
Real Friend (Lin)            (5d10)       31
Rescuer (Han)                 (3d10)       22

---------------------------------------------------
Delusion (paranoid)        (2d10)       8

TRAIT ACTIONS

• Hobby: 38- indulge in hobby, lose 2 actions, gain 1 die
• Real Friend: 29... friend outgrows me (that didn't last long)
• Rescuer: gives some cheer, but little else.

PLAYER ACTIONS    

Just one action, because of my hobby...

• Use hobby for good: 58!
• "You truly touch some lives, in a way that makes you re-evaluate your life.
• Hope & Hobby gain 1d10

With all that down, all that remained was to roll on the end game table. My 3d10 came up with 16, meaning that nothing has changed. After all that David’s been through, he’s really not got much further: his made a friend, lost her and gained a rescuer. His psychotic delusions were overcome and have been supplanted by paranoia… his hobby is getting increasingly out of hand, but it seems to enable him to make connections with people. Maybe it will offer him a way out, or at least a way for others to come in.

FINAL STATS

HOPE:                            2d10

TRAITS:                         

Obsessive Hobby:           (11d10)     
Rescuer (Han)                 (3d10)       

Delusion (paranoid)        (2d10) 

Looking back on this exercise, I admit I'm a little bit disappointed by the quality of the writing, and with how I dealt with re-telling the dice rolls in the context of the story. The temptation to re-edit it was strong, but that wouldn't really be in keeping with the purpose of these posts.

I developed quite an attachment to David, and was disappointed he never found a way out. It's important, however, to remember that David was merely a fictional creation. RPGs are great because players are able to immerse themselves in the skin of someone else- but it's important not to lose sight of who you are! Ewen Cluney sums this up beautifully in his rules to Hikiokmori:
Once you have all that figured [the final outcome of the game] out, write an epilogue. Once you’ve done that, take a moment to pull yourself back into reality as thoroughly as you can. Even if you’ve been thinking about things you might not have ordinarily, you are who you were before you started. Now think about how you can make your life better. It’s in the rules of the game so you have to do it

Day Six: Journal of Hikikomori

David is still obsessed with drawing glyphs on every surface, and Lin- initially his rescuer- seems to be reinforcing his obsession. Below is his diary entry, created for the game Hikikomori.

Lin was still sleeping when I awoke; I immediately got on with the day’s drawings. I had completely covered the interior of the hearth by the time she got up. 

She explained that she was actually working for an agency that deals with agoraphobics, but she’d been completely overwhelmed by the graphs. She says she still wants to help me, but because she’s my friend, not because of her job or whatever. She says the graphs make her feel better, safer inside somehow…

When Lin asked me why I had started to draw them and why I drew them on every surface, I couldn't answer. I remembered something about power… and then I remembered my crazy neighbour, and the events of the day before… he was something to do with it, wasn't he? I had to go and do something about him!

He’d washed away all the chalk glyphs I’d left outside his door, so I began to draw more. I worked my way back up the concrete stairs, etching and chalking perfect graphs as I went, until I magical corridor had been constructed between my door and his. It struck me that this might not be the best idea, but to be honest, I was beginning to struggle with what all of this meant, what it was all for. I sat on the stairs and rocked back and forth.

I felt a warm hand on the back of my neck. I thought it was Lin, but when I looked up, I saw an old woman. She smiled warmly. She said her name was Han, and that if I ever needed anything, just to call. I felt wary, she was of the outside after all, but she seemed nice… after all, I’d met Lin under similar circumstances…

Han helped me upstairs and sat with Lin and I for a bit. After she left, I looked at Lin for a long time. She’s very beautiful. I asked her why she thought I did all of this and I started to cry. Lin said she could help me, if I wanted to be helped. I said I just wanted to forget about all the crazy stuff and just draw. We talked for a long time and I felt a lot better. She’s asleep on my camp bed just now: I'm going to crawl in beside her and drift off too.

--MECHANICS--

DAY 6 STATS

HOPE:                        0d10

TRAITS:                   

Obsessive Hobby        8d10           42
Real friend (Lin)         4d10           20
Delusion (paranoid)    2d10           15
---------------------------------------------------
Delusion (illogical)     1d10           6

TRAIT ACTIONS        

• Hobby: 33- indulge in hobby, lose 2 action, gain 1 die
• Real Friend- 21, somehow help new friend, gain 1d10 hope, RF gains 1 die!
• Paranoid roll, 16, hope roll 6 (diff -10, gains new rescuer, coaxing 3d10

PLAYER ACTIONS  

Just one actions, because of my hobby...

• Rely on friend to defeat illogical delusion
• Adds all friends dice (5d10) + hope dice (1d10) = 40
• Delusion rolls 5
• Delusion defeated, gained one hope die!

The last day approaches... will Lin or Han somehow save the hopelessly lost David? 

Day Five: Journal of Hikikomori

David has returned from hospital and is ready to resume his obsession with drawing perfect graphs. A character journal from the game Hikikomori....

The strangest two days in a long, long while...

Apparently the woman came around in the morning, and could hear me coughing uncontrollably. She called an ambulance which I'm told arrived remarkably quickly, though I have no recollection of any of these events. I must have been unconcious or something, because they had to get the apartment superintendent to open the door.

The next thing I knew it was late at night and I was in a completely unfamiliar place. I flipped. The thought of having been brought to that strange place by strangers- strangers who took off my clothing, dammit- was truly vile. I just rocked from side-to-side, until a young nurse came and explained what had happened. His English wasn't great but I discerned the gist: I was suffering from some kind of lung infection, and were feeding me antibiotics or something. I rolled over and groaned. I missed my graphs so much. By the time morning came around I discharged myself and hopped a taxi back to my apartment. Everything felt so ... dirty. I can't really find the right words.

It was weird feeling my lungs so fresh all of a sudden, but… it was just so much better! And of course, I had to draw… I had to draw, draw, draw because I’d spent so much time away!I realised that already the power of the graphs was, exhibiting itself: if I hadn’t have drawn them outside, I would not have met the woman, and she would not have taken me to the hospital. I could have DIED. But I didn't die, did I? All because of the GRAPHS!

Of course, it was highly probable that the crazy neighbour downstairs was corrupting the power of the graphs- but I could use this against him, I reasoned. So I gathered up my drawing materials and went downstairs.

It was the furthest beyond my own door that I’d been in months, but I felt emboldened and empowered by the graphs. I’d drawn them all over my arms: I had 23 on the backs of both of my palms, I reasoned this made me pretty unstoppable. I began by drawing a large 113 in chalk on his porch, and then began to etch a larger one onto his door.

By the time my neighbour arrived home, his front door was completely unrecognisable. He went crazy at me.

Amidst the shouting, people started emerging from the other apartments, and, before they could discover what was going on, my neighbour was shouting at THEM for letting me “carry on like that”. The arguments became intense, it was overwhelming... I fled back up the stairs, tripped over on the way through the locked door, I lied on the floor, crying.

She came in, held me in her arms, mouth agape at the extent of the drawings.

“I didn’t know you did the ceiling, too…”

We lay there for some time. Her name is Lin. She is a real friend.

Day Four: Journal of Hikikomori

David Merton's journal- a character's log of events in Hikikomori.

David did not make a journal entry on this day as he experienced a medical emergency as a result of his lung infection and was rushed to hospital.

--MECHANICS--

DAY 4 STATS

HOPE:                        1d10

TRAITS:                   

Obsessive Hobby        6d10        
Health problem           5d10
Rescuer (crusader)      2d10
Delusion (paranoid)    2d10           

Delusion (illogical)     1d10)                

TRAIT ACTIONS        

During the preceding day's play, David gained a fifth d10 for his health problem, resulting in the following:

If [the health problem]... has 5 or more dice, it will Cause an Emergency. This means that your condition has become serious enough that you wind up being rushed to the hospital. The emergency takes up all of your actions for that day, both the ones you specify and the ones that come from your Traits. The next day your Health Problem is gone, but you lose a die of Hope.

PLAYER ACTIONS 

None, for the reasons outlined above.

Day Three: Journal of Hikikomori

By the third day, David's health isn't improving but a brief foray outside may catalyse the beginning of a beautiful friendship. In-game journal/walkthrough of the solo RPG Hikikomori.

Babylon detourned. Author's own (kind of).

The coughing is getting worse, not sure if I’m going to get to sleep at all tonight. Still, there’s a lot of graphs to draw and another reason to proceed...

I woke up feeling really angry about what happened yesterday, with the neighbour, and I did something that was a little crazy, but worth it. I covered the board over my window with glyphs, my door, the floor immediately in front of the apartment…

Working the chalk into the ground a woman came up beside me. She asked me what I was doing. I tried to ignore her but.. well, she had a really pretty voice! I explained that the glyphs were perfect graphs, each one representing a prime number, and were accorded a number of nodes equal to that prime. I explained how they had a power that I was trying to explain fully, but that it was benevolent and would protect me from the impurity of the outside world.

As soon as I said those words I realised how much danger I was in, loitering outside like that, and scampered inside. The lady hung around for a long time by the door, trying to ask me things about when I last left the house, what I eat, questions like that. Eventually, I let her in-only because she said she wanted to see more graphs. When she saw the majesty of my apartment, she was blown away. We had some green tea, eventually I ushered her out. She said she would come tomorrow: I’ll see how I feel, I may let her in, I may not.

--MECHANICS--

DAY 3 STATS

HOPE:                        1d10

TRAITS:                   

Obsessive Hobby        4d10           17
Health problem           4d10           11
Delusion (paranoid)    2d10           10

---------------------------------------------------

{Delusion (illogical)       (1d10)         3}       

TRAIT ACTIONS        

• Hobby: 25- indulge in hobby, lose 2 action, gain 1 die
• Health roll, cause pain, result 20, gain 1 die, lose 1 die of hope
• Delusion roll- 18, hope roll 6 difference -12.
• Gains rescue (crusader 2d10)

PLAYER ACTIONS  

Just one actions, because of my hobby...

• Share hobby with my rescuer, Lin. Hobby 22 Lin 13
• Dif 9, gains obsessive hobby die.

Day Two: Journal of Hikikomori

Being the diary of David Merton, a hikikomori, created using the free pen-and-paper solo RPG, Hikikomori.

It’s been a pretty weird day today. I woke up late, in the middle of my perfect graph of the number 233, coughing and spluttering as usual. The pain’s still quite bad, but it doesn't feel like it's got any worse. I think that it’s part of what’s keeping me here, what ties me here… the path to enlightenment is precarious, the pain is a mark of my devotion, even if others mock me.

So I started work on the next graph, 239. What I like best about this is that it starts on the floor by the corner of the room and then goes partly up the wall, treating the floor and the wall as one plane. It’s by no means finished yet but it looks beautiful. Staring at it now, reminding me that it’s all I have, all that’s worthy of consideration, at least.

It’s true: earlier the thought that some outside entity was thwarting my efforts to achieve… whatever is to be achieved with the graphs… became unbearable. I’d closed the curtains but the poison from the outside seemed to be seeping in. So I did something that seems crazy when I look back on it now: I went outside.

There’s only one large window letting light into the front room of the apartment, and outside, on the balcony is a large sheet of plywood. Some builders left it there months ago: it’s partially rotten but perfect for what I required. I took the hammer drill and, with an uncommon resolve, stepped outside into the harsh light, and began to mount the board against the wall.

The young father from downstairs came out of his house and started shouting up at me in Cantonese, angrily. I had no wish to converse with him, but when he saw it was me, he came up. Kept asking me, in English, what was wrong with me, what I was doing, where I’d been… it didn't stop, the questions were relentless. Luckily I only had one screw to go: I drove it home, calmly pulled my goggles off and screamed at him to leave me alone.

At first he was taken aback, but then he just laughed, maybe because I didn't stop screaming. I ran back inside and have been drawing ever since.

There’s nothing for me out there. I have the graphs, after all. They’re so perfect… it seems unlikely that someone like the neighbour would be capable of thwarting their power. I feel better now that the window’s blocked, although somehow, more hopeless.  

--MECHANICS--

At the start of each day, the player most roll for each trait. Only three traits can have an effect on the characters behaviour in one day, these being the three traits that rolled highest:

DAY 2 STATS

HOPE:                            3d10

TRAITS:                         

Health Problem               (4d10)       20

Obsessive Hobby:           (3d10)       19

Delusion (paranoid)        (3d10)       18

---------------------------------------------------

{Delusion (illogical)       (1d10)         7}

TRAIT ACTIONS

• Health roll, cause pain, result 13, no other effect
• Hobby: 24- indulge in hobby, lose 2 actions, gain 1 die
• Delusion roll- 22, hope roll 17 difference -5.
• Lose one die of hope.

Just looking at this now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have used the original rolls (i.e. the ones which traits were acting on David) rather than re-rolling. The game would have been very different! Oh well, 20-20 hindsight and all that...

PLAYER ACTIONS    

Just one action, because of my hobby...

• Combat paranoia 16 hope vs 14 paranoia
• YES! Surely hope wins… (reduce paranoia by one die)

Read the third journal entry here.

Day One: Journal of Hikikomori

After writing up my "review" of Hikikomori I thought it might be interesting to post the journal entries I wrote whilst playing the game. The game is a solo pen-and-paper RPG wherein the player navigates through seven consecutive days in the life of a socially isolated individual, producing a journal entry based upon the results of rolling on several interconnected dice tables. My original post can be read here.

As with the majority of RPGs, the first step is character creation. I decided to keep the biographical details sparse, and not to state the information explicitly; instead I relied on my understanding of the character to influence the tone of the journal entries.

My character's name was David Merton, an Englishman living in Saigon. He'd originally travelled there as an EFL teacher but in the not too distant past he decided to withdraw from social contact, for reasons unknown. I recorded his name on the word document I was using to a sheet of paper and made a note that my Hope stat consisted of a pool of 3d10. This stat is used to make opposing rolls against the various randomly traits influencing the Hikikomori's behaviour, which in turn determine the essential content of that day's journal entry.

Your character begins with three traits, randomly determined by rolling a d10 against a table. Each trait begins with a set amount number of d10s, which are used to make opposed rolls against the character's hope dice. David received the following traits: delusion (illogical, 2d10), health problem (3d10) and obsessive hobby (3d10). To add colour to the narrative I decided that David had a lung infection (health problem), was obsessed with drawing perfect graphs and was under the illogical delusion that doing so would some how grant him occult powers, though his frazzled mind hadn't quite worked out what those powers would be.

A perfect graph, yesterday.

David was ready to begin his "adventure" (albeit when where the most likely outcome would be "nothing has changed: David remains socially withdrawn"). Each day begins by rolling trait actions for the three traits with the largest respective dice pools, making any consequent adjustments to the characters stats and then writing up the journal entry. I'll jump write in and paste day one's journal entry below, with a brief explanation of the mechanics provide in the footnotes:

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything down, but for some reason, things feel different today. The coughing woke me up, as usual, though with more violence than usual. The pain in my chest was unbearable: it's definitely getting worse... maybe that's why I feel the need to keep some kind of record...

I remember looking around the room and wondering when it was going to come. All the time, all the effort, all the graphs I’ve drawn, over every surface, sometimes one atop the another- perfect graphs of the first fifty primes, so far… it was supposed to grant me some kind of power, the precise details are getting hazy, for some reason… and it’s power I lack, wheezing and spluttering on my camp bed at the centre of this room.

I was lying on the camp bed for a long time this morning, contemplating the ceiling, covered in its beautiful glyphs. Their power was evident. Clearly, some external force was preventing me from realising this. But what?I knew that the answer to that question could only be found outside. It had been weeks- months- since I’d last ventured out into the world beyond. Outside is rife with chaos and imperfection, but lurking somewhere in that chaos my invisible nemesis is attempting to thwart my project… I had to leave- I have to leave, but it feels impossible. I stood by the doorway for a long time, but was unable to overcome my inertia.

Since then I’ve been working on the next perfect graph- the 51^st prime, 233. I’m maybe a third of the way through, but thought I should take a break and write down what’s been happening today. My lungs ache and my mind is foggy, but somehow I know that all this is utterly necessary.

--MECHANICS--

BEGINNING STATS

HOPE:                        3d10

TRAITS:                   

Delusion (illogical)     2d10

Health problem           3d10

Obsessive Hobby        3d10

TRAIT ACTIONS        

• Delusion roll- 10, hope roll 19 difference +9.
• Sanity triumphs! Reduce delusion by one die.
• Health roll, cause pain, result 15, increase dice by one
• Hobby: roll 11- indulge in hobby, lose one action.

PLAYER ACTIONS  

Just two actions, because of my hobby...

• Do nothing- roll, gain new trait, gain new delusion Paranoid 3d10 (great)
• Go outside- 16, doesn't make it outside

I'll post the next instalment tomorrow, with the journal entry followed by the mechanics. You can read up on the mechanics work in the free Hikikomori download here

Read the second journal entry here

Hikikomori

I know how you feel mate...

We all possess a kit-bag of tropes, and I'm no exception. The number of times I've chucked my hand in that bag to grab a ready-made simile and pulled out Ouroboros (the mythical Greek snake that swallows its own tail) doesn't bear counting. It's just such an easy analogue how prone I am to disappearing up my own arse.

I may have an addiction, you see, and as part of the first step to recovery I have to acknowledge that I have a problem: that problem, dear readers, is Ouroboros- and I promise not to do that again, though over the next few hundred words or so that's going to be tricky: I'm going to be writing about how a lifestyle slowly approaching that of the Hikikomori led me to play an anti-social role playing game (a solo adventure) about a hikikomori, and how that kind of led by various steps to me setting up this blog and then writing about how I assumed a lifestyle akin to a hikikomori which in turn....

Hikikomori: the phenomenon is well documented but probably deserves a brief summation here before we proceed. After all, in spite of making only a passing reference to RPGs this post already resembles a fantasy blog thanks to the esoteric terminology and oblique references to mythical beings: some clarity is in order. Hikikomori is a Japanese word that literally translates as "pulling inward": it refers to the social phenomenon of young people (usually- but not always- young men) confining themselves to their rooms. It also refers to the individuals themselves: thus, a socially withdrawn Japanese young person could be described as a hikikomori This story at the NY Times gives a broad overview of the phenomenon in addition to providing some social context.

Late one night, several months ago, I was aimlessly browsing the web in search of something to do. I suddenly had a flashback to a conversation with a friend a month or so before, in which he had mentioned an exceedingly weird video game RPG that takes place inside the dreamscape of a mute Hikikomori. Typing HIKIKOMORI RPG into my search engine of choice did not return the anticipated result, but something else caught my attention: a game by Ewen Cluney of Yaruki Zero Games. I'd been looking for a video game but instead stumbled upon a pen-and-paper RPG that I could play by myself, the rules of which are free to download here.

It's more a writing exercise than anything else, requiring only a copy of the instructions, a pen/pencil and some paper (or some other means of recording a diary and keeping a track of stats), and a pair of ten sided dice. The concept is simple: you play the role of an isolated hikikomori keeping a journal of seven relatively uneventful days in their life, You create a Hikiomori by rolling for a stat called "hope" and then randomly determining a few traits (including "obsessive hobby", "delusion" and "health problem"). Each day you must determine how the traits act upon you by rolling on a table and then record the results. You then decide what actions to take that day (including "do nothing" "overcome a trait" or "go outside"), the results of which are rolled according to how many dice you have for your hope stat.

Once all the random results are determined, it is then up to you to turn this into a coherent narrative to be logged in your diary. Here is where the game truly shines: unlike other solo games (I'm thinking specifically of the Jackson/Livingstone Fighting Fantasy series of my early youth) you are not being rail-roaded through a set narrative, instead the dice provide narrative themes which you must flesh out. There's something oulipian (and I'll be talking more about the Ouvroir de littérature potentielle on this blog in due course) about this which I love. I kept a record of my seven day game in a word document, which I'll post up on here as soon as I can.

The game is really a series of seven vignettes, concluding at the end of the imaginary week. There's no clear criteria by which victory is defined: at the end of the week, the character may have elected to end his own life, rejoin society... or remain in the same situation. In the words of the the game's author, Ewen Cluney:

"If you want your character to get out of his rut and rejoin society, or stay the same, or kill himself, or whatever, you can try to steer him that way, but a lot of stuff will come down to how the dice fall. The real game is turning all this nonsense into coherent writing."
The game was a really fun exercise, and is worth investigating if you are interested in the concept of potential literature (especially constricted potential literature). It certainly reinvigorated my (long-dormant)  interest in pen-and-paper RPGs, and got me thinking about the role players (not role-players) can have in determining the course of a game's narrative, beyond perfunctory dice-rolling whilst being rail-roaded through a pre-determined campaign scenario.

Incidentally, I did eventually find the video game my friend had recommended: those of you familiar with it will not need me to tell you that it was Yume Neki (let me google that for you). I confess I was somewhat underwhelmed, though the discovery that it had been made with software freely available online convinced me to start working on my own game using RPGM-Y2K3, and I'll be posting more about my forays into game development on any post thus labelled.

So: social isolation induced boredom led me to find a solo game online about social isolation, which in turn led me to a renewed interest in an activity in which I am unable to participate in due to my social isolation. I'm sure you realise that the irony is not lost on me, even if I haven't used the word Ouroboros more than once. twice. more than three times...